Too Short is tiptoeing around some controversy right now. A well-covered slip-up (of the “I kind of told adolescent boys to sexually assault adolescent girls” variety) in a recent XXL Mag video feature understandably enraged a lot of folks, leading to the suspension of XXL staffers involved, plus a whole lot of precisely apologetic press releases and public backpedaling. We’ll never know how sincere Short’s apology is, but we’re left with the distinct impression that he won’t be getting any work as a Sex Ed teacher when he hangs it up on his 3+ decade rap career. Here’s a few more professions the lewd and lascivious godfather of Bay Area hip hop clearly isn’t cut out for.

Quality Assurance

Some rappers like build their reputation on quality control (see: Biggie’s 2 studio albums) and others like to carpetbomb their listeners with prolific output and let them dig for gold. Short’s not as bad an offender as say, Weezy or Lil B, but you know he could’ve chopped some excess out of his near-annual output (whatup Married to the Game?). That’s not his hustle–he’s built so much of his reputation on unprecedented longevity–but we know the guy who got his start hawking custom tapes on demand to drug dealers in Oakland isn’t the best at filtering or withholding material.

Addiction Therapist

Short told us he was going to quit way back in 1996, after the release of album number 10, Gettin’ It, the same way a smoker promises to quit after “these last three packs, I promise.” The mini-retirement was a mere speedbump, as the appropriately titled comeback album “Can’t Stay Away” is all the way back at the halfway point of his career by now. The game runs through Too Short’s blood – check out his style, baby he don’t quit.

Retiree

He just ain’t built for it. Short always evangelized making shit on his own terms, for his own people, and as a result he enjoys the hell out of live performance. (“It’s so fuckin’ easy,” he told The Source in 1992.) So what do we recommend for Too Short’s future? Keep rappin’ your ass off. It’s worked for 30 years, and it’ll work for 30 more, because the credos of preservation and perseverance embedded in your raps are too potent to ignore. Just do us a favor Short…next time you open your mouth, make sure it’s a little more well-considered…and it lands on a beat that slaps.

Too Short plays at The New Parish in his hometown of Oakland, CA this Thursday, 3/15. We’re giving away free VIP tickets through our mobile app – download the app and enter before tomorrow at noon to win!